9-year-old Emily was given an assignment in school to write a story on "My family's ancestors" The purpose was for the kids to understand their heritage.

In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.

When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.

"So, where did Mom come from?"

"The stork brought her also."

"Well, then where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, sweetie."

"All right, thanks, Granny."

Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about 20 years ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.

Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:

• Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"

• Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
• Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
• Customer: "Yes, there is."
• Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
• Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."

• Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
• Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"

• Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
• Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
• Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."

At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.

• Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
• Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
• Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."

I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.

• Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"

Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."

The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"

"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."

"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.

The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender's advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.

"What?s the matter, sir, wasn't my advice effective?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I've ever met."

"I don't understand. What's your problem then?"

"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife's the one with the problem now."

9-year-old Emily was given an assignment in school to write a story on "My family's ancestors" The purpose was for the kids to understand their heritage.

In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.

When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.

"So, where did Mom come from?"

"The stork brought her also."

"Well, then where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, sweetie."

"All right, thanks, Granny."

Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

 A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walkks over to the bartender and ass, "can you please tell me where the bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she's wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," said the priest. 

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a shirt while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perlexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?" "No thank you, but I'm still puzzled," said the priest. 

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"